ASDF.ADD.ADHD.ASD.PDDNOS.TBI.AS.FAS.ID.VI.HI....

That's not gibberish. Those are the acronyms I am surrounded by. Sometimes those acronyms make me feel as though I work for the secret service. Heaven forbid I ever talk about one of my students to someone else that is not on their 'team.'

I understand that things need to be confidential. but. at the same time....the confidentiality implies there is something wrong, something worth hiding. There is nothing wrong with my students. They have nothing to be embarrassed about, nothing to hide. My kids are so many things: hilarious, sneaky, intelligent, problem-solvers, teachers, learners, friends, sons, daughters...and they also happen to have a disability. Why is the disability all some people can see?

I think it's a vicious cycle. I think the confidentiality piece creates kids, teenagers, and adults that are taught not to question disability. Not to look. Not to talk about it. Those same kids turn into adults that have no knowledge of disability. Those adults then have their own kids. Those adults teach their kids not to look, not to talk about it...It goes on and on.

What I love about the very young kids in my school is that they ask questions. "Why can't April talk?" I love that question. I love answering it. "Why did Joe just hit me?" Ask me and I will tell you.

We need to talk about it. It's okay to talk about.

Bursting my bubble

One of my students recently mastered the art of using the mouse. This is a very complicated process when you break it down. This little contraption controls the computer screen. You have to move it left, right, up, and down. You can't move it too fast. You have to hover just above the icon and then simultaneously left-click. If you right-click, then you have to left-click to get out of the right-click. Confusing, right?

One of my kids figured it out. AMAZING. I was so proud. Now she can be independent on the computer! This opens up so many doors for her. I cried. I hugged her. It was the greatest day.

Then, someone came in my room to give me something. I shared my happy news with her. She seemed excited as she replied, "She just figured it out?!" Then she says....

<Here comes the bubble burst>

"....my nephew is only 2 and he can do that. Wow."

Why. did. you. say. that. I oftentimes forget what children that are typically developing are capable of. I don't really care what they are capable of because that is not who I chose to work with. I am more impressed with my student as she had to work 4 times as hard to figure the mouse out. Even though she had to work 4 times as hard and she has struggled with this for years, she figured it out. She kept trying. She probably didn't want to, but she did. That is more impressive than your 2 year old nephew that has perfect hand-eye coordination and fine motor skills figuring it out.

After thinking through all that, my bubble is filled back up again. My kiddo is amazing!!!!! So proud of her! :) 

Something I like to call the difference between a first year general education teacher v. a first year special education teacher.

Scenario One. 

Let’s pretend you are a first year general education teacher. You walk into a chaotic environment and have no idea what you’re doing. How scary, right? Phew. You have a reading curriculum to follow. Oh good, they also gave you a math curriculum. Oh good, they've actually planned your entire day for you. You know what to teach and when to teach it. Wonderful, you get 40 minutes planning with your team and 30 minutes to eat lunch. It’s going to be okay!

Scenario Two.

Now let’s pretend you are a first year special education teacher. You walk into a chaotic environment and have no idea what you’re doing. How scary, right? Hmm…it appears you have a reading curriculum….but you’re missing half of the materials, the teacher’s manual, and no one in the school has any idea where it is nor any idea how to use it. Hmmm…you found some old math manipulatives that no one else wanted….that might help for a day or two….

Hmmm…you have to create your schedule from scratch but unfortunately the only time you can see Johnny he is out at recess and the only time you can see Ann is when she is eating lunch. If you don’t see them, you are in violation of federal law.

Well look at the bright side! At least you get time to plan! Wait a minute, your phone is ringing and Jeremy just hit a student in the face. You have to diffuse the situation, deliver a consequence, call his parents, and inform administration. Not to mention you need a tranquilizer dart to calm down his classroom teacher as she is horrified. Today marks the 40th time you have explained to the adults around you that Jeremy has a disability that effects the way information enters and leaves his brain and he is using every ounce of energy to sit in your class and participate and sometimes, for a variety of reasons, it's just too much for him. It's not an excuse, it doesn't make it right, but he is working on it, and he needs your support. 

Hey, you still get a lunch! Oh wait, your phone starts ringing just as you are putting the fork to your mouth because Josh had an accident and is wiping feces on the walls. You need to go find a pair of pants, underwear, and 1,000 Clorox wipes. 

Wait a minute. Am I supposed to teach the general ed curriculum or do I focus on IEP goals? That seems like a super simple question, I’ll ask administration. Oh, they don’t know. Okay. I’ll ask the county office. After waiting a week for an email reply, they don’t seem to know either. I think they are ashamed of this and to avoid embarrassment have given a vague answer of, “It’s a case by case basis.” 

Okay well, what are they supposed to do in class? Their work needs to be modified right? I’m in charge of that too? Okay, well I’ll just ask the general ed teacher for the work in advance and surely they will send it to me. Oh, they don’t do that? Okay. Well, I can look at the scope and sequence and pull all this information right out of ass I guess. That seems like it will take a long time though, and I barely have time to wipe my ass. Guess I’ll put that on the back burner. 

But, I have teacher’s assistants! PHEW, that should help. Wait. I’m responsible for making their daily schedule, providing them with all the materials they need, telling them every detail about the children they are working with, and making sure they follow the IEP?? And they’re all old enough to be my mother and think I’m full of shit? Everything may not be okay...

....and that is the difference between us.

I figured it out

I am a special ed teacher. I WANT to be a special ed teacher. I don't want to be anything else. But dear lord, it is not easy. I haven't been able to admit that; I don't want it to be true. It's true. It's hard. But what you need to know is that it is NOT the kids. Special ed teachers are set up for failure from day one. Kids in special ed are set up for failure from day one. When I fail, I will be another statistic. Another teacher that didn't make it past year 5. When my kids fail, they will be another statistic. Just more kids that didn't make enough progress in enough time.

It's not my fault. It's not the kids' fault. It's so much more than that. It's so much bigger than that. I'm not even sure I can begin to articulate it, but I will try.